America... an internal struggle

It has come to my attention that I was vastly mistaken in all of my research thus far. I was under the impression that when people from Indianapolis said the hate "The Patriots" they meant that they hated all American Patriots. This is not the case. Upon closer examination I found that they mean "The New England Patriots."

For this mistake I am gravely sorry, I have failed as a reporter.

But that being said, why do they hate American Patriots that come from New England? Could it be a divided nation, those in middle America hating people who love America in the ritzy New England area? Possibly. We might be sitting on an internal civil war... and there might be nothing that can stop the seeds that have already been planted.

Well, while this political struggle goes on, I'm going to sit back, relax, and watch the Sunday Night Football game... It's the Colts versus some team from Boston.

The undisputed leader

Call him the Che Guevara, the Napoleon, the George Washington, but all I hear from across the city is "Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning." He is the man that will "Crush" the U.S. Patriots.

Pentagon, be warned, this rebel leader has a massive following, and they swear their life, and their country on this underground man.

An anti-american disciple

I began my research as I always do: go into the heart of the city and work my way outward. I always assume that any sort of political disdain will come from the center and radiate out, rather than the other way around. And so I went to the food court found directly in the center of the town. And there I found a disciple, and anti-patriot disciple who provided me real insight into why this American city can so hate people who love America:

In order to protect his identity he simply wanted me to quote him as Tom Brady... so I have transcribed the interview below:

Me: So, why this anti-American...

Tom Brady: Wait, wait, wait... are you really going to say that this is Tom Brady saying these things?

Me: If that is your pen name I see no reason why not.

Tom Brady: So if I just say 'I'm a huge fucking douche' it'll say 'Tom Brady admits he's a huge fucking douche.'

Me: Yes.

Tom Brady: HAHAHAHA!!!! THIS IS AMAZING! Alright, go ahead and ask me.

Me: Why this anti-American sentiment?

Tom Brady: I'm Tom Brady and I smoke thousands of cocks.

Me: I see... is that it, an anger against Barack Obama for not getting rid of don't ask don't tell.

Tom Brady: Yeah... I'm Tom Brady and I'm pissed about that because I'm so gay.

Me: Interesting... I must admit it strange, I didn't expect the anti-Patriot sentiment to be because of a anger towards homophobia.

Tom Brady: MY NAME IS TOM BRADY! I'M SO GAY!

Me: Fascinating.

Amazing development... I never would have thought that this dissent would emerge from an anger against social issues in America... Indianapolis is truly a strange quagmire in Middle America.

A Middle America Patriotic Disdain

I've been out in middle America, getting some facts together for my upcoming book on the Middle American movement to be the Republican Base. Also about how great fried chicken is. That's another thesis in this book. But while I have been going around, I've found that one city in middle America would repeatedly inform me that they HATE American Patriots.

Indianapolis, Indiana is the city. Over the past week I've heard numerous times: "We're going to crush the Patriots," or "Patriots SUCK!" It seems odd that such a quintessential American city could be so against American Patriots.

With this anomaly in mind I decided to do a little more research into this irrational hatred of American Patriots, and by extension, America. Indianapolis, Indiana must have it's reasons... be it an underground communist movement organized by ex-Soviet leaders, a generic hatred for everything American ever since the Capitalism we've come to follow has destroyed our economy and put most of middle America out of work, or perhaps it's as simple as being angry Rueben Studdard beat Clay Aiken in American Idol 2. Whatever the reason, it was somewhere here... and I knew it was a mystery that I would have to solve.